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StephenT [userpic]

(Fic) It's Curtains For You, Slayer

19th January 2009 (15:26)
Tags: ,

It's come to my attention that one thing I've never written is curtain!fic... that is, a story about two characters buying curtains together. I've also written very little Spuffy. So, killing two birds with one stone, I give you this...

Characters: Buffy/Spike
Set: some vague AU post-Chosen timeperiod
Wordcount: 1,089
Rating: 12
Warnings: I have no shame.


It’s Curtains For You, Slayer

Spike sighed impatiently. “Well, how about these, then?”

“Nah. Too drab and depressing. They’d make the room look dead. Uh, no offence.”

“Well, how about a nice floral design then? Pretty girly flowers and… pansies and… rosebuds and… things?”

Buffy stifled a giggle. “I’m almost tempted to say yes just because I know you’d hate every minute you sat in the room with them. But I won’t, ‘cause I’m nice that way.”

“You’re all heart, Slayer. Look, what about those over there? Surely there’s nothing wrong with them?”

“Blood-red velvet?? Glad to see you’re not falling into any vampire clichés here. Ooh, why don’t we ask the nice shop assistant if they have black curtains with silver skulls embroidered over them too?”

“For crying out loud! If you don’t want my help why did you ask me along in the first place?”

Buffy pouted. “I thought you had better taste. You didn’t like the ones I chose, you said the colour was wrong…”

“Is that what this is all about? I told you, they’d clash horribly with your carpet. If you’re just going to sulk when I make a perfectly reasonable suggestion-“

“I am not sulking! I think-“

But what she thought would never be known, because at that precise moment the plate glass window of the department store shattered into a thousand glittering shards, as a huge, green, slavering demon smashed its way into the shop and bellowed in anger. Late-night shoppers and panicking staff fled screaming in all directions. Buffy and Spike looked at each other incredulously.

“You have got to be kidding me.”

Spike shrugged, as if to say “What can you do?”… but under his breath he muttered “Thank you God!” Then as one, the two of them turned and ran towards the demon.

It saw them coming and turned to face them, flexing its claws and opening its mouth in a roar, revealing serrated rows of yellowish teeth. Without a word spoken between them, Spike went low and Buffy went high; he ducked under the claws and punched up into its stomach while Buffy boosted herself off a table and launched a flying kick at its head. But the demon proved faster on its feet than its great bulk would have suggested; whipping its head out of the way so Buffy struck only a glancing blow. She fell to the ground behind it and rolled through a graceful somersault back to her feet, then turned to see how Spike had fared.

The answer was badly. The monster had absorbed the blow to its stomach while barely feeling it, and then its claws had whipped around and flipped Spike head over heels to the ground, tearing great bloody rents in his torso as it did. But the pain seemed only to exhilarate him; his eyes burned yellow with demonic rage as, fangs extended, he leaped back into the battle.

Buffy, slightly more cautious, looked around her for something she could use as a weapon. It was careless of her, but she hadn’t thought to bring a battleaxe when she went shopping for curtains… and a soft furnishings store was sadly lacking in improvised implements of destruction. Perhaps she could hit the demon over the head with a comfy chair?

Perhaps she wouldn’t need to. Spike had broken through the monster’s guard and had clambered up onto its back, hands locked around its throat as he exerted all his strength to snap its neck. But before he could, there was a loud *shnikkk* sound… and Buffy winced in horror as a dozen sharp, bony spines burst out of the demon’s flesh and impaled the vampire. He gasped, eyes wide open, a trickle of blood oozing from his mouth; then the monster retracted its spines again and Spike collapsed limply to the ground.

Buffy’s mouth set into a thin line, and her eyes blazed with cold fire.

This demon was going down. But how? It was too good at dodging, those spines made it lethal to come too close, and she had no weapons… Her mind raced.

Of course.

As the demon stooped down over Spike, Buffy picked up a book of pattern swatches and threw it. It bounced off the monster’s nose, and it looked up in irritation. A pair of fabric shears followed, embedding themselves six inches deep in its shoulder. The monster roared in pain now, wrenching out the shears and, forgetting the vampire collapsed at its feet, launched itself towards Buffy.

Who turned and ran, leaping over a rack of samples and looking back over her shoulder as the demon rampaged straight through it, knocking it aside. But she’d reached her destination. Putting both hands on the red velvet curtains, she yanked them down. The brass rod that had been holding them up came with them, and she picked it up by one end and twirled it around her head, just like her cheerleader’s baton back in the day. The curtains whipped around in a circle and wrapped themselves around the demon’s neck.

It roared, pulling at the makeshift noose, but Buffy dropped the curtain rod and used the drapes to pull herself up, walking right up the monster’s chest to its neck. The spines came out, but only got tangled in the thick material. Then clutching each end of the curtain she exerted her full Slayer strength, and the demon’s eyes bulged from its skull as its face suffused darker green; and then it collapsed. Buffy leaped nimbly clear as the body crashed in ruins to the ground, then prodded the motionless demon with her foot. It was dead.

She hurried over to where Spike lay moaning and cursing on the ground. He looked a mess; but nothing he wouldn’t recover from quickly enough. She offered him a helping hand, he smiled in silent thanks then winced as he struggled to his feet.

 “And the beastie? Dead, I assume?”

“See for yourself.” Buffy pointed to where the great green bulk of the demon’s corpse lay entangled in bright red velvet, then suddenly grinned. “In fact, you could say it was cu-“

But before she could finish, Spike groaned loudly.

“What?”

“Please, Slayer. I’m in enough pain as it is without having to listen to you making cheesy puns like that…”
 
“But it’s the best chance I’ll ever get to use that line…” Buff’s voice trailed off as she met his eyes, and she gave an exaggerated sigh, and shut up.

She couldn’t help pouting a little, though.
 

Comments

Page 1 of 2[1][2]
Posted by: petzipellepingo (petzipellepingo)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 15:39 (UTC)
giggle snort buffy by eyesthatslay

It's come to my attention that one thing I've never written is curtain!fic

Now that's a phrase I never thought I'd see...

“See for yourself.” Buffy pointed to where the great green bulk of the demon’s corpse lay entangled in bright red velvet, then suddenly grinned. “In fact, you could say it was cu-“

"snorfle"



Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 18:11 (UTC)

Well, I *have* already written wing!fic (Buffy), genderswap (Buffy again) and baby!fic (Willow/Kennedy), so this was next on my list...

Thanks!

Posted by: Mrs Darcy (elisi)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 16:24 (UTC)
Master - good by charmax

You, Sir, are made of awesome!

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 18:11 (UTC)

*doffs hat in acknowledgement.*
:-)

Posted by: Shapinglight (shapinglight)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 16:25 (UTC)

Very amusing - and about the only sort of curtain fic I'm ever likely to read.

Also, I thought black with silver skulls sounded pretty good.

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 18:12 (UTC)

Thanks. :-) I thought the black would be a bit too Goth for Buffy... though Dawn would probably like them.

(Deleted comment)
Posted by: eowyn_315 (eowyn_315)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 17:07 (UTC)

LOL, I did, too! I admit, I was hoping for a "lacy, gently wafting curtains" reference, but Buffy punning is more than enough.

Also, I'm still mildly disturbed that people actually write this kind of fic, without trying to be funny...

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 18:22 (UTC)

Posted by: eowyn_315 (eowyn_315)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 18:26 (UTC)

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 18:13 (UTC)

Posted by: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 16:40 (UTC)

Bwahaha! I should have known you wouldn't just let it remain gently wafting curtain!fic.

It was careless of her, but she hadn’t thought to bring a battleaxe when she went shopping for curtains

Really, what was she thinking? :-)

I'm unclear on the hierarchy here, however; is Spuffy curtain!fic more or less a sign of being hopelessly lost than Spuffy baby!fic?

Also, pssst, typo: what she thought would never be know

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 18:18 (UTC)

Well, it couldn't ever be entirely schmoopy because this is Spike and Buffy we're talking about, the King and Queen of Snark and Sarcastic Remarks...

Thanks!

And the typo is because I wrote this on the train, and I had to post it without a final read-through because we were just arriving in the station...

Posted by: Lidia (beloved4always)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 16:42 (UTC)

thanks Stephen!

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 18:18 (UTC)

Thank you! :-)

Posted by: Elena (moscow_watcher)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 16:47 (UTC)
Hee

Wicked fun!
“Blood-red velvet?? Glad to see you’re not falling into any vampire clichés here. Ooh, why don’t we ask the nice shop assistant if they have black curtains with silver skulls emroidered over them too?”

Hee! I love me my Buffy...

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 18:19 (UTC)

She can be fun to write. :-) (They both can.)

Thanks!

Posted by: candleanfeather (candleanfeather)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 17:36 (UTC)

Very funny. And there's really a malediction too as it seems Buffy is unable to manage even the most innocent tasks without nasty(ies) complications.

But let's go to the heart of the problem, what sort of curtains .....? :-)

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 18:20 (UTC)

Well, if there were no complications it wouldn't be interesting to write about. :-)

I'm afraid I have no clue what sort of curtains. I'm a man, we're genetically incapable of choosing such things unless we've eaten an interior designer recently.
;-)

Posted by: Denita (menomegirl)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 17:37 (UTC)
Buffy

\o/

Wow. You didn't just write Spuffy, you wrote good Spuffy.

I freaking love it!

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 18:21 (UTC)

Aw. Thank you! :-)

Posted by: The One Who Isn't Chosen (gabrielleabelle)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 18:13 (UTC)
willow omg

You totally wrote Buffy and Spike picking out curtains!

...

...

I love it! I can absolutely see this happening to them, too. :)

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 18:21 (UTC)

You saw the "Warning" in my introductory blurb, right?

Thanks!
:-)

Posted by: Lily (lavastar)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 18:39 (UTC)

Hee! That was *super* amusing.

And is there actually a genre called curtain!fic? I'm a little scared. *wibbles*

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 22nd January 2009 12:18 (UTC)

THanks!

And yes, there is. I'm not sure whether it's always quite as literal as this story, though... (and generally it's purely schmoopy and lovey-dovey, without action or humour).

Posted by: enisy (enisy)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 19:02 (UTC)
Spuffy (Soda Pop)

That was fun! 'Specially loved the title and the opening sequence. Also, kudos for making your fight scene sound all innovative and exciting, even though it had so many others (from every Buffy episode and every Buffy fanfic ever written) to contend with. :)

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 22nd January 2009 12:31 (UTC)

Thanks! I did have a nagging suspicion that the title wouldn't be original - surely it's an obvious enough pun that *someone* would have thought of it before me - but I think I made the cheesiness work for the story. :-)

Posted by: The Mezzanine (deird1)
Posted at: 19th January 2009 19:17 (UTC)

Yay! How fun!

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 22nd January 2009 12:33 (UTC)

Thank you!

Posted by: treadingthedark (treadingthedark)
Posted at: 20th January 2009 00:02 (UTC)

Excellent. Great fight scene and really funny!

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 22nd January 2009 12:34 (UTC)

Glad you enjoyed it. :-)

Posted by: erimthar (erimthar)
Posted at: 20th January 2009 02:24 (UTC)

Cool. Next you must write a story in which Buffy shops for shoes and makes her high-pitched shoe-shopping noise.

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 22nd January 2009 12:39 (UTC)

I think I've already written about her making that noise, only shoes weren't involved at the time. ;-)

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