Some things should never have be written. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. The 1979 Labour Party manifesto. Robert Heinlein's The Number of the Beast. Alien3. Every line of dialogue spoken by Jar-jar Binks.
And now this.
Firstly, it's set in season 8. (Half my flist scrolls away in boredom.) It's got femslash in it. (80% of the remainder turn away in distaste.) The sex is written to be Rabelaisian humour rather than romantic or erotic. (Anybody still here?) And it's vaguely incestuous. (Probably not.)
Right. Now I've got no readers left:
3364 words, set some time in season 8, Willow/Dawn.
Part 1 is rated 15 (R) for mentions of sex and some naughty words. Part 2, which I'll post separately, will be rated 18R (NC17). Part one can be read as a self-contained story if you seriously aren't interested in the sex bits.
Oh, and *ahem*; this is very important:
The story is set in season 8. Dawn is a university student. That means she's over 18 and legally an adult.
Just in case. :-)
Netherlands to Nepal, Part 1
"You've done it? You've really done it?" Dawn leaped to her feet and bounced excitedly, causing seismic detection stations to trigger alerts across half of Scotland. "I knew you would! I'd like, totally hug you if I wasn't scared of crushing you!"
Down on the ground, Willow was failing to share her enthusiasm. In fact, Dawn realised, she seemed downright uncomfortable.
"Huh. There's a catch, isn't there?"
"Sort of. Don't worry, sweetie, I've worked out how to break the spell on you. It's just I can't work out how to, you know, break the spell."
"Well, er, you know how the spell was triggered in the first place? When you and Kenny, um, you know..." she blushed.
"...Had sex", Dawn finished for her helpfully.
"Yes, that. Well, that started the spell going. And the way to end it is really, really simple. You just have to have sex again."
"That's it? You mean all I have to do is... wait. I can see a problem here."
"A big one - sorry. Ahem. You might, um, have a problem finding a guy who can measure up. So to speak."
"Yeah. Like I was doing so well at that even before I was super-sized. It doesn't have to be Kenny again, does it?"
"Do you want it to be? I mean, do you love him?"
"God, no. Little creep. After he did this to me? I'd rather stomp him underfoot. But even so, what else can I do? Lift the roof off the nearest singles bar, grab a guy at random and say 'Wanna fuck?'"
Willow choked and turned an interesting shade of pink, and Dawn hastened to reassure her that wasn't her usual pick-up line. Or that she actually had a pick-up line at all, since she wasn't That Kind Of Girl. Of course this aroused Willow's feminist ardour - just as Dawn had secretly hoped - and got her insisting that Dawn had every right to pick up guys if she wanted to. She was a grown woman in control of her own sexuality and that was something to be celebrated. Even if Dawn did show distinct lack of taste in preferring stubbly uncommunicative males instead of other women. So she should go right ahead and enjoy herself however she wanted. But, um, perhaps she shouldn't tell her sister about this conversation, on account of Buffy would probably kill both of them?
Dawn, of course, had no hesitation about agreeing with the last part.
"But it still leaves us with a problem. Could you, like, embiggen a boy for me just long enough to break the spell?"
"Sorry, no. If I tried that, it would just leave him with, uh, the same problem you have. We'd have to find him a giant girl to break the spell with, and then we'd have to find her a giant lover, and it would be kind of like those cartoons of ocean life where each fish is being eaten by another fish behind it, y'know? Kinda neverending."
"Huh." Dawn gave her trademark look of disgust, then suddenly blushed, her face giving off enough heat to warm a medium-sized Scottish castle. "Could we, uh, if I had sex with a normal-sized guy? I mean, I doubt I'd actually feel a thing, but would it still count?"
"Um. Technically, yes, size doesn't matter. Heh, I really said that. But it doesn't, apart from one big problem. You, uh, you have to come. The moment you reach orgasm, the spell breaks. Not before." Willow burst out into a most inappropriate giggle. "Which makes it a shame you're so hetero, 'cause finding a man capable of doing that for you might be the hardest part of the magic."
Dawn naturally rolled her eyes at that - not because she could disprove Willow's argument from personal experience (yet), but she was sure her sister, to name one example purely at unrandom, had had plenty of orgasms from guys. Bitch.
"Does it have to be another person? Can't I, like, do it myself then?"
Willow looked surprised, then turned red and looked at Dawn doubtfully. "Doesn't work that way. Um, haven't you discovered that for yourself yet?"
"Yeah, right. Like it's totally easy for a fifty foot tall woman to find somewhere quiet and private in the middle of a castle full of Slayers. Especially when your voice is proportionate to the rest of you; if I started moaning and stuff, everybody for miles around would know exactly what I was doing. No thanks."
"Goddess. Forget all the other stuff, that's why you're so cranky. You've been like this for two months now? Don't blame you for getting fed up with it."
Dawn giggled at Willow's tone, then sobered.
"Um, maybe you can cast a silence spell on me or something when I do it? As long as I won't have to do something even more crazy to get rid of that."
"Maybe I could. Or you could go way far out onto the moors with, uh, whoever."
"Yeah. Back to the first problem. We're not really getting anywhere, are we?" Dawn suddenly looked speculatively at Willow. "Don't suppose you'd do it, would you?"
"Huh? Wha-? You - ? Um-? We-? What?"
"C'mon. I know it was you that kissed Buffy. So why not do this for me?"
"What? It certainly was not me, missy. It was-" Willow caught herself just in time. "Never you mind who it was, but I did not kiss your sister. And I'm certainly not having sex with you!"
"Why not? Don't you think I'm attractive?"
"Oh no. Woah. You don't try that one on me. Doesn't matter how sexy you are, you're Dawn. It would be... incestuous. And icky."
"You think I'm sexy?" Dawn's smile lit up like a beacon (one of those you put on a hilltop to alert people 50 miles away) and Willow groaned.
"Yes, I think you're sexy. I also think you're straight, six years younger than me, and my best friend's little sister!"
It was the 'little sister' part that was the mistake. Willow realised it immediately, but too late. The light of battle shone in Dawn's eyes.
"So who else am I gonna trust to do this? You seriously want me to go out and pick up some man - literally? And screw this stranger like I'm a giant slut - again, literally?"
"No." Willow sighed.
"And, I mean, it's not like we'll be actually making love as such. Seriously, I mean from my perspective you're just about the same size as a sex toy."
"Sweetie, if that's your best pick-up line I think I preferred 'wanna fuck?'"
"Well, do you? C'mon, Will. Who else am I gonna ask?"
"Oh, Goddess. This is a really bad idea, you know?"
"You're gonna do it?" Dawn practically vibrated with glee, causing a surprised squirrel to drop out of a nearby tree in a shower of nuts and falling leaves. Willow shook her head in despair.
"We never, ever breathe a word of this to anyone, right? Never ever."
"Course not. Come on then! Um..." she suddenly hesitated, "How exactly are we gonna work this?"
Continue to Part Two