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(fic) Netherlands to Nepal

27th September 2007 (12:49)

Some things should never have be written. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. The 1979 Labour Party manifesto. Robert Heinlein's The Number of the Beast. Alien3. Every line of dialogue spoken by Jar-jar Binks.

And now this.

Firstly, it's set in season 8. (Half my flist scrolls away in boredom.) It's got femslash in it. (80% of the remainder turn away in distaste.) The sex is written to be Rabelaisian humour rather than romantic or erotic. (Anybody still here?) And it's vaguely incestuous. (Probably not.)

Right. Now I've got no readers left:

3364 words, set some time in season 8, Willow/Dawn.
Part 1 is rated 15 (R) for mentions of sex and some naughty words. Part 2, which I'll post separately, will be rated 18R (NC17). Part one can be read as a self-contained story if you seriously aren't interested in the sex bits.

Oh, and *ahem*; this is very important:
The story is set in season 8. Dawn is a university student. That means she's over 18 and legally an adult.
Just in case. :-)

Netherlands to Nepal, Part 1

Movie poster

"You've done it? You've really done it?" Dawn leaped to her feet and bounced excitedly, causing seismic detection stations to trigger alerts across half of Scotland. "I knew you would! I'd like, totally hug you if I wasn't scared of crushing you!"

Down on the ground, Willow was failing to share her enthusiasm. In fact, Dawn realised, she seemed downright uncomfortable.

"Huh. There's a catch, isn't there?"

"Sort of. Don't worry, sweetie, I've worked out how to break the spell on you. It's just I can't work out how to, you know, break the spell."


"Well, er, you know how the spell was triggered in the first place? When you and Kenny, um, you know..." she blushed.

"...Had sex", Dawn finished for her helpfully.

"Yes, that. Well, that started the spell going. And the way to end it is really, really simple. You just have to have sex again."

"That's it? You mean all I have to do is... wait. I can see a problem here."

"A big one - sorry. Ahem. You might, um, have a problem finding a guy who can measure up. So to speak."

"Yeah. Like I was doing so well at that even before I was super-sized. It doesn't have to be Kenny again, does it?"

"Do you want it to be? I mean, do you love him?"

"God, no. Little creep. After he did this to me? I'd rather stomp him underfoot. But even so, what else can I do? Lift the roof off the nearest singles bar, grab a guy at random and say 'Wanna fuck?'"

Willow choked and turned an interesting shade of pink, and Dawn hastened to reassure her that wasn't her usual pick-up line. Or that she actually had a pick-up line at all, since she wasn't That Kind Of Girl. Of course this aroused Willow's feminist ardour - just as Dawn had secretly hoped - and got her insisting that Dawn had every right to pick up guys if she wanted to. She was a grown woman in control of her own sexuality and that was something to be celebrated. Even if Dawn did show distinct lack of taste in preferring stubbly uncommunicative males instead of other women. So she should go right ahead and enjoy herself however she wanted. But, um, perhaps she shouldn't tell her sister about this conversation, on account of Buffy would probably kill both of them? 

Dawn, of course, had no hesitation about agreeing with the last part.

"But it still leaves us with a problem. Could you, like, embiggen a boy for me just long enough to break the spell?"

"Sorry, no. If I tried that, it would just leave him with, uh, the same problem you have. We'd have to find him a giant girl to break the spell with, and then we'd have to find her a giant lover, and it would be kind of like those cartoons of ocean life where each fish is being eaten by another fish behind it, y'know? Kinda neverending."

"Huh." Dawn gave her trademark look of disgust, then suddenly blushed, her face giving off enough heat to warm a medium-sized Scottish castle. "Could we, uh, if I had sex with a normal-sized guy? I mean, I doubt I'd actually feel a thing, but would it still count?"

"Um. Technically, yes, size doesn't matter. Heh, I really said that. But it doesn't, apart from one big problem. You, uh, you have to come. The moment you reach orgasm, the spell breaks. Not before." Willow burst out into a most inappropriate giggle. "Which makes it a shame you're so hetero, 'cause finding a man capable of doing that for you might be the hardest part of the magic."

Dawn naturally rolled her eyes at that - not because she could disprove Willow's argument from personal experience (yet), but she was sure her sister, to name one example purely at unrandom, had had plenty of orgasms from guys. Bitch.

"Does it have to be another person? Can't I, like, do it myself then?"

Willow looked surprised, then turned red and looked at Dawn doubtfully. "Doesn't work that way. Um, haven't you discovered that for yourself yet?"

"Yeah, right. Like it's totally easy for a fifty foot tall woman to find somewhere quiet and private in the middle of a castle full of Slayers. Especially when your voice is proportionate to the rest of you; if I started moaning and stuff, everybody for miles around would know exactly what I was doing. No thanks."

"Goddess. Forget all the other stuff, that's why you're so cranky. You've been like this for two months now? Don't blame you for getting fed up with it." 

Dawn giggled at Willow's tone, then sobered.

"Um, maybe you can cast a silence spell on me or something when I do it? As long as I won't have to do something even more crazy to get rid of that."

"Maybe I could. Or you could go way far out onto the moors with, uh, whoever."

"Yeah. Back to the first problem. We're not really getting anywhere, are we?" Dawn suddenly looked speculatively at Willow. "Don't suppose you'd do it, would you?"

"Huh? Wha-? You - ? Um-? We-? What?"

"C'mon. I know it was you that kissed Buffy. So why not do this for me?"

"What? It certainly was not me, missy. It was-" Willow caught herself just in time. "Never you mind who it was, but I did not kiss your sister. And I'm certainly not having sex with you!"

"Why not? Don't you think I'm attractive?"

"Oh no. Woah. You don't try that one on me. Doesn't matter how sexy you are, you're Dawn. It would be... incestuous. And icky."

"You think I'm sexy?" Dawn's smile lit up like a beacon (one of those you put on a hilltop to alert people 50 miles away) and Willow groaned.

"Yes, I think you're sexy. I also think you're straight, six years younger than me, and my best friend's little sister!"

It was the 'little sister' part that was the mistake. Willow realised it immediately, but too late. The light of battle shone in Dawn's eyes.

"So who else am I gonna trust to do this? You seriously want me to go out and pick up some man - literally? And screw this stranger like I'm a giant slut - again, literally?"

"No." Willow sighed.

"And, I mean, it's not like we'll be actually making love as such. Seriously, I mean from my perspective you're just about the same size as a sex toy."

"Sweetie, if that's your best pick-up line I think I preferred 'wanna fuck?'"

"Well, do you? C'mon, Will. Who else am I gonna ask?"

"Oh, Goddess. This is a really bad idea, you know?"

"You're gonna do it?" Dawn practically vibrated with glee, causing a surprised squirrel to drop out of a nearby tree in a shower of nuts and falling leaves. Willow shook her head in despair.

"We never, ever breathe a word of this to anyone, right? Never ever."

"Course not. Come on then! Um..." she suddenly hesitated, "How exactly are we gonna work this?"

Continue to Part Two



Posted by: none of the above (frogfarm)
Posted at: 27th September 2007 13:28 (UTC)



Now 4, I will totally concede.

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 27th September 2007 14:37 (UTC)

I preferred 4 to 3, myself. :-) (3 wasn't actually that horrible - it kinda reminded me of a Doctor Who episode, to be honest; but I needed another example that most people would relate to...)

Posted by: tessarin (tessarin)
Posted at: 27th September 2007 13:37 (UTC)

"Firstly, it's set in season 8. (Half my flist scrolls away in boredom.) It's got femslash in it. (80% of the remainder turn away in distaste.) The sex is written to be Rabelaisian humour rather than romantic or erotic. (Anybody still here?) And it's vaguely incestuous. (Probably not.)"

Not read it and not going to but kudos for the above made me laugh.

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 27th September 2007 14:38 (UTC)

I thought honesty was the best policy. :-) Thanks!

Posted by: Mrs Darcy (elisi)
Posted at: 27th September 2007 13:41 (UTC)
Willow - playing god by bogwitch

Suddenly my Pern fic looks very sane. Thank you! *g*

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 27th September 2007 14:39 (UTC)

Perhaps part two should have had a side effect of Willow's counter-magic spell turning Dawn into a dragon? :-)

Thanks, and happy to be of service!

Posted by: mrs_underhill (mrs_underhill)
Posted at: 27th September 2007 14:48 (UTC)

Hee, all your warnings just made me more eager to read it. :) And you didn't disappoint. I enjoyed your story a lot and laughed out loud more than once.
I just happen to be in that part of target audience which finds Giant!Dawn funny. And when the complexities of her everyday life are explored in comics I squeal with delight. And I'm not looking for any metaphores or meanings beyond that.
You got me with the bathroom mention, and "teh sex" was insane and absurd - in a good way. :)

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 27th September 2007 18:49 (UTC)

Reverse psychology at work. :-) Glad you liked it. (And glad I wasn't the only one to wonder how exactly Giant Dawn copes with certain things...)

Posted by: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Posted at: 27th September 2007 16:11 (UTC)

Hey, I love Alien3 - you need to see the assembly cut, not the theatrical hackjob. Though I agree that 4 is better than its reputation (up until 10 minutes from the end).

This is great - in character (enough for crack, anyway), and the whole tone (the size-related repercussions of everything Dawn does, Willow's embarrassment etc is just neat. Also, bonus points for using "embiggen". (I forgot to work that into my Simpsons crossover. Rats.) Now for part 2...

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 27th September 2007 18:55 (UTC)

Thanks! (I did wonder if I had Willow blushing too often, but then again she's probably just be a perpetual scarlet all through this conversation.)(On the other hand, I didn't ever wonder if I had too many giant jokes. In fact, I kept adding more. :-) )

Posted by: A. (inperfectpeace)
Posted at: 27th September 2007 17:21 (UTC)
Harry Potter- Fred/George up to no good

That was so funny. Wrong, but so great! ;)

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 27th September 2007 18:56 (UTC)

I did warn people. :-) Thanks!

Posted by: curiouswombat (curiouswombat)
Posted at: 27th September 2007 19:40 (UTC)

Hee - I must dash off to part two - I seem to be an unusual female around LJ - I like femslash and am barely even lukewarm about the male version - so no squick - and the idea of an enormous Dawn with a little Willowy sex toy is great fun!

Posted by: Dio (diachrony)
Posted at: 21st October 2007 21:27 (UTC)

::raises hand::

There are at least two of us then ... I may be slightly warmer on the occasional m/m slash than you, depending on the pairing, but I love femslash (well written, of course).

Finally made time to read this. I think I blushed as much as Willow, but laughed all the way.

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 21st October 2007 22:51 (UTC)

I've just re-read it myself and, um, I did make Willow blush rather a lot, didn't I?

Still, she's a redhead - pale skin, blushes very easily. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Posted by: lilred26x (lilred26x)
Posted at: 30th September 2007 23:45 (UTC)

Very amusing! And I so agree with the dialogue of Jar-jar Binks. What was George Lucas thinking? Your story is so much more amusing than any of that! :)

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 1st October 2007 00:08 (UTC)

But would Episode One have been improved if Princess Amidala weas 50 feet tall too?


Posted by: The Anti-OTP (snowpuppies)
Posted at: 26th October 2009 18:44 (UTC)
You've been nominated at the Unlocked Awards!

This email is to inform you that you've been nominated at the Unlocked Awards, a new site featuring our favorite key-turned-awkward-teenager, Dawn.

Your Nomination(s):

Netherlands to Nepal by stormwreath (R; Willow/Dawn)

Category(ies): Best Heat, Best Fluff/Comedy

All nominations must be accepted by November 30. To accept this award, simply reply to this Comment. We'd like you to pick up a button or banner and link back to the site, but it's not required to participate or win.

And if you want to say thanks, why not pop by and nominate someone else!

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 27th October 2009 14:40 (UTC)
Re: You've been nominated at the Unlocked Awards!

To accept this award, simply reply to this Comment.


and thanks.

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