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(Fic) Scoobies and their Sextoys

5th November 2008 (22:54)
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Is this fic or meta? I'm not sure. Anyway, it's tangentially related to my current work in progress, in that I was thinking about it on the way to the supermarket then got distracted by a far more important question. Which is clear proof I have a filthy mind, of course.

So then. How do each of the Scooby Gang get themselves off?
820 words. Rating probably 15 (R?); it's not actually all that explicit despite the subject matter.  Setting is vaguely somewhere between seasons 5 and 7.
Pairings: um, Buffy/herself, Willow/herself, Xander/himself, etc etc... I think you get the idea.

ETA: There's an extended version of this post with commentary and a few additions here.


Scoobies and their Sextoys

Willow came home from school the afternoon of her 13th birthday to find lying on her pillow a gift-wrapped vibrator, a packet of batteries and a textbook on the psychosexual development of the adolescent, thoughtfully bookmarked at page 78. She was of course utterly mortified and hid the toy far away in the darkest recesses of her underwear drawer. She read the book, though. And after eight days of trying not to think about it, intellectual curiosity and rampant teenage hormones got the better of her, and she dug the toy out again. Now as an adult she keeps a bottle of lube in her bedside cabinet alongside several different vibrators and thinks the whole thing is no big deal.

Buffy had thought about it before, but always found the idea of buying a vibrator far too embarrassing: she'd rather face a dozen vampires than walk into a sex-shop. It wasn't until she was at college and discovered that even Willow of all people already owned one that she reconsidered. (We'll draw a discreet veil over exactly how she made that discovery; suffice to say it involved Buffy arriving back from patrol an hour earlier than she'd said she would.) Willow helpfully showed her how to order one online... but ironically, once she got it Buffy discovered she preferred just using her hand anyway. (The fact that Slayers have supernatural stamina, enviable suppleness and the ability, when needed, to move their fingers faster than the human eye can follow might have something to do with that.)

Anya owns a vast selection of sex toys of all conceivable shapes and sizes, bought from a variety of catalogues and websites. She uses them enthusiastically and with inventiveness on both herself and Xander any chance she gets. Xander has learned to anticipate the arrival of the mailman with both excitement and dread.

Xander: see above. Truth be told, he rather enjoys Anya's constant search for new experiences... although he did draw the line when she bought one of those latex forming kits that allow you to take a mould of your partner's penis and turn it into a dildo. The idea of potentially coming home to find his disembodied dick lying on the duvet was just too much for him.

Cordelia used $200 of her Christmas money one year to buy a Petit Ami stainless steel vibrator. After moving to LA she tried selling it on E-Bay; the highest offer was $35 until she rewrote the ad to mention that the toy was pre-used, and in the end she sold it for enough to pay her rent for a month.

Oz owns two buttplugs and a set of anal beads. He never once mentioned them to Willow, though - not because he was embarrassed (Oz doesn't do embarrassed) but because he thought they would freak her out too much.

Angelus regarded the entire world as his sex toy. Once he got his soul, he didn't masturbate again for one hundred years.

Spike likes to fetishise over possessions of his lovers, girlfriends or objects of unrequited lust. If you want to know why Miss Edith wears a blindfold, it's because Drusilla got jealous over the idea that the doll would see Spike naked.
Oh, and also? The Buffybot. Enough said.

Giles owns a small collection of Mayfairs and Men Onlys from the 1970s, which he keeps behind a 17th century treatise on swordsmanship in his study. He doesn't actually look at them very often because he has every page memorised.

Wesley once bought a blow-up doll from a catalogue, but it sprang a leak and deflated rather suddenly and painfully when he tried using it. That was before he moved to LA and became cool, of course.

Faith doesn't masturbate. No, seriously. When she gets the itch, there's always some guy willing to scratch it for her. The dumb ones will even pay for drinks and buy her presents for the privilege of getting fucked over. Of course, she'd angrily deny it if you suggested she was too screwed up and self-loathing to be able to relax and enjoy playing with herself. But the first time Faith ever got herself off? Was in a prison cell, awaiting trial.

Tara has never used a vibrator, although she has let Willow use one on her to see what it was like.

Dawn borrowed Willow's computer one day to find that she'd "accidentally forgotten" to clear her browser cache, and there was an online sex shop in her 'back' button. (Coincidentally, it was the same one Willow had introduced Buffy to a few years earlier). Dawn spent the next few days hurrying down to the front door each morning before Buffy got there - not that she was embarrassed about her purchase as such, she was just certain her sister would totally freak out and perhaps even confiscate the toy.

Riley enjoys a cold shower every morning.

 


Feel free to suggest anyone I've missed. :-)

Comments

Posted by: leseparatist (novin_ha)
Posted at: 5th November 2008 23:29 (UTC)
[buffy] will patrol tonight

Awesome and in character, though Willow's 13 feels a bit young, not just because, well, 13, but also considering Willow's sexual shyness. I do think the scenario very likely, just a year and a half later ;D

Also, what about Dougie Howser pornographic fanfiction! :D

I liked the one about Faith. A lot. And Riley made me laugh out loud.

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 00:06 (UTC)

Thank you!

I did originally go for 14 for Willow, but I think her mother would want to make sure she was too early with the gift, not too late. And if she reached puberty at 11-12...

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 00:46 (UTC)

Posted by: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Posted at: 5th November 2008 23:34 (UTC)

Once he got his soul, he didn't masturbate again for one hundred years.

Which would explain a lot.

Spike likes to fetishise over possessions of his lovers, girlfriends or objects of unrequited lust.

Now that you mention it, I've seen Spike/Mr Gordo fic, but funnily enough I've never seen Spike/Mr Pointy. Talk about hatesex. :-)

Faith doesn't masturbate.

Five words: "Who Are You" bathroom scene. Canon, baby, canon. Also, you're telling me she didn't save (and varnish) at least one of the stakes she swiped off Buffy for, um, special purposes?

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 00:09 (UTC)

Angel = Raised Catholic. :-)

And all we see Faith actually doing in 'Who Are You?' is admiring Buffy's leg, you know. :-) But yeah, I can imagine Faith doing the stake thing. I can also imagine her making with the smutty innuendos to Buffy about whether Buffy has done the same thing.... but in the end, I went with a more screwed-up version of her.

Posted by: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 00:28 (UTC)

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 00:42 (UTC)

Posted by: none of the above (frogfarm)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 03:30 (UTC)

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 19:39 (UTC)

Posted by: fix me, motherfucker! i'm standing right here. (immortality)
Posted at: 5th November 2008 23:49 (UTC)
[buffy] satsu | a keen and bloody sword

The idea of potentially coming home to find his disembodied dick lying on the duvet was just too much for him.

Ahahaha, CLASSIC.

But the first time Faith ever got herself off? Was in a prison cell, awaiting trial.

I find the idea of this very hot for some reason.

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 00:12 (UTC)

I find the idea of this very hot for some reason.

It was meant to be all serious and angsty, y'know... :-)

Have you read 'Stockton Gala Days'? (*Points to links list in sidebar*)

Posted by: fix me, motherfucker! i'm standing right here. (immortality)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 00:13 (UTC)

Posted by: The One Who Isn't Chosen (gabrielleabelle)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 00:08 (UTC)
willow laugh

rofl! Oddly enough, I've had conversations revolving around this particular subject.

Angelus regarded the entire world as his sex toy. Once he got his soul, he didn't masturbate again for one hundred years.

Priceless.

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 00:13 (UTC)

Did you come up with different ideas to mine? :-)

Thanks!

Posted by: The One Who Isn't Chosen (gabrielleabelle)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 00:22 (UTC)

Posted by: M (spankulert)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 00:27 (UTC)
Giles tweed - it's bad mmm'kay?

Very in character for every single one of them, though I'd suspect Giles has some more stashed away. Ripper's got to be in there somewhere ;)

But you now have my brain considering what Snyder would have lying around, and I do not want to go there! *flees*

Posted by: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 00:34 (UTC)

what Snyder would have lying around

Let's just say that the pages of his copy of the Sunnydale High School Rules and Code of Conduct are less than pristine.

Posted by: M (spankulert)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 00:35 (UTC)

Posted by: candleanfeather (candleanfeather)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 18:23 (UTC)

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 00:38 (UTC)

Posted by: MrTeufel (mrteufel)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 07:10 (UTC)

Posted by: The Anti-OTP (snowpuppies)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 00:51 (UTC)

Wesley once bought a blow-up doll from a catalogue, but it sprang a leak and deflated rather suddenly and painfully when he tried using it. That was before he moved to LA and became cool, of course.

*dies*

Honestly, I think you're pretty spot-on with everyone. *g* This was a fun and amusing read.

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 01:47 (UTC)

Wesley never had much luck with women. The poor doll was clearly foreshadowing for Fred...

Thanks!
:-)

Posted by: twilightofmagic (twilightofmagic)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 04:35 (UTC)

Oh, c'mon. Sure Giles has a vibrating butt plug. Heheh, great list and fitting of said toys to said characters ;-)

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 19:40 (UTC)

Sure. It was called 'Ethan'.
:-)

Posted by: twilightofmagic (twilightofmagic)
Posted at: 7th November 2008 00:10 (UTC)

Posted by: Chani φ (frenchani)
Posted at: 7th November 2008 16:22 (UTC)

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 7th November 2008 16:35 (UTC)

Posted by: Chani φ (frenchani)
Posted at: 7th November 2008 16:45 (UTC)

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 7th November 2008 16:56 (UTC)

Posted by: Two legs good, four legs okay (nothorse)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 07:44 (UTC)

Joyce bought a Vibrator on the day of the divorce. It didn't do much for her though, so she kept to her hand and that one compact pillow she always hides under the others when making the bed.

Vi got herself a small butterfly vibrator with straps on a dare when she was fifteen. She could use it even in a house full of girls, because it was silent and she could keep her hands out of her sleeping bag.

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 19:41 (UTC)

Nice additions!

(And makes me look at Vi's embarrassed smiles with an entirely different light...)

Posted by: Two legs good, four legs okay (nothorse)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 19:57 (UTC)

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 21:35 (UTC)

Posted by: Two legs good, four legs okay (nothorse)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 22:02 (UTC)

Posted by: Shapinglight (shapinglight)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 11:20 (UTC)

How about Spike and Buffy and the handcuffs in season 6?

And Riley looked pretty interested when Buffy offered him 'outfits.'

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 19:43 (UTC)

Well, I was mostly keeping to "what they use to get themselves off", not what they use with other people. I can't really imagine Spike handcuffing himself when he's alone. :-)

Posted by: Shapinglight (shapinglight)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 19:50 (UTC)

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 21:37 (UTC)

Posted by: candleanfeather (candleanfeather)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 18:20 (UTC)

They are all very in character but I have a preference for the most humorous ones : Xander (the disembodied dick, such a Xanderesque thought to have), Giles (naughty, naughty Giles, behind a treatise of swordmanship, really? :) ), Wesley (the poor guy is really doomed), Riley (just LOL).

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th November 2008 19:44 (UTC)

I see your favourites are all the ones about men... ;-) And Giles is, of course, an expert in weapon handling...

Posted by: lilred26x (lilred26x)
Posted at: 7th November 2008 02:30 (UTC)

Very fun and amusing! Thanks for sharing.

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 7th November 2008 15:09 (UTC)

Thanks! :-)

Posted by: Chani φ (frenchani)
Posted at: 7th November 2008 16:19 (UTC)

Hehe!!!

Buffy's, Angelus', Faith's and Riley's are my favourite ones. It's spot on.

You might be right about Wesley too...but Giles? Nahhh. I'm sure Ethan and he had played with many unusual things... ;- )

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 7th November 2008 16:34 (UTC)

I can tell you posted this before reading the other peoples' comments. :-)

Thanks!

Posted by: Chani φ (frenchani)
Posted at: 7th November 2008 16:43 (UTC)

Posted by: Murielle (murielle)
Posted at: 8th November 2008 00:42 (UTC)

Andrew! Where's the most sexually repressed character in all of Jossverse?

Also, Joyce? Not repressed, just divorced.

Posted by: yourlibrarian (yourlibrarian)
Posted at: 4th January 2009 18:13 (UTC)
Here from buffyversetop5
AnyaTop5-kathyh

although he did draw the line when she bought one of those latex forming kits that allow you to take a mould of your partner's penis and turn it into a dildo

Fandom is endlessly educational. And Angel killed me.

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 4th January 2009 22:47 (UTC)
Re: Here from buffyversetop5

In my case, it was watching 'Coupling' that educated me as to what you can do with latex...

Incxidentally, there's an extended version of this post with commentary here: http://stormwreath.livejournal.com/60565.html
if you're interested.

Thanks!

Posted by: writing 'bout big damn heroes (dreamincolor)
Posted at: 4th January 2009 23:40 (UTC)
Angel/Cordy - laughter

Hee!!

Very awesome. I'm still laughing.

Posted by: StephenT (stormwreath)
Posted at: 6th January 2009 21:28 (UTC)

Thank you. :-)

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