StephenT (stormwreath) wrote,

(Fic) Is this testing whether I'm a Replicant or a lesbian, Mr Deckard?

Inspired by a conversation about Dollhouse with alexeia_drae</lj>. Background on the Voight-Kampff test (from Blade Runner) is here.

ETA - I've also done a similar post on the two female Terminator characters from the Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Good morning, Agent Ballard - or Mr Ballard, I should say. I need you to answer some questions for me.

Why? I had enough of that psychometric test bullshit with the Agency.

I'm sorry. It's necessary, and it won't take long. I'm going to describe some social situations to you, and I would like you to describe how you would feel or what you would do. In this test reaction time is a factor, so answer as rapidly as you can.

All right. Get on with it.

You are given a calf-skin wallet on your birthday.

I already have a wallet. I'd thank them, I suppose.

You have a little boy and he shows you his butterfly collection, including his killing jar.

Is this supposed to be my own son? A kid who kills animals as a hobby doesn't sound too healthy, it's one of the warning signs. I'd talk to him.

You're sitting watching TV and suddenly you discover a wasp crawling on your wrist.

I'd keep still until it flew away.

In a magazine you come across a full-page colour picture of a nude man. Your wife likes the picture. The man is lying face down on a large and beautiful bearskin rug. Your wife hangs the picture up on the wall of her study.

Yeah, that would be one reason why I'm glad I'm divorced.

You're visiting Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco. You become hungry and enter a seafood restaurant. One of your friends orders lobster, and the chef drops the lobster into the tub of boiling water while you watch.

I hate lobster. Gives me gas. I'll take the sea bass.

You rent a mountain cabin in a verdant area. It's rustic knotty pine with a huge fireplace. On the walls someone has hung old maps. Currier and Ives prints, and above the fireplace a deer's head has been mounted, a full stag with developed horns. The people with you admire the decor of the cabin.

Yeah, nice. Am I here to meet a contact or what?

You're dating a woman and she asks you to visit her apartment. While you're there she offers you a drink. As you stand holding your glass you see into the bedroom; it's attractively decorated with bullfight posters, and you wander in to look closer. She follows after you, closing the door and putting her arm around you.

Is the room wired? Maybe behind those posters? Ah yeah, the woman. Hell, I don't mind her taking the lead, why should I? I'll kiss her.

You are watching an old movie on TV. It shows a banquet in progress; the guests are enjoying raw oysters. The entrée consists of boiled dog, stuffed with rice.

What is this, some weird foreign arty crap? Is this movie Canadian?

Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your mind about your mother.

Strong. Capable. Kind.

You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise. It’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that?

That's sick. This whole test is bullshit, just like I thought.

Never mind, Mr Ballard. Thank you. This test is over.

So then, for those of you playing along at home. Is Agent Ballard a Replicant Active, or not?

Poll #1372982 Voight-Kampff #1

Is Ballard an Active?

Yes he is
No he isn't
*Pulls out a gun and shoots you*
Tags: dollhouse, fic, meta
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